Hiding in the Closet

"You lack drive," she said.

"What?!"

"You have this wealth of knowledge, you feed on it everyday, like an I.V. into your bloodstream, yet still you move so slowly. I'm sure you're going to make it, eventually, when you retire maybe, but you should be bursting at the seams with all the positivity you have."

She's right.

So what's holding me back? While Sigmund Freud's theories may no longer be in favour, he is right that our adult behaviour is often an echo of our childhood.

When I was a young teenager I started to suffer from depression and anxiety. I rarely ever speak of it, rarely think of it, but years of my life were lost in that black abyss. My mother was bi-polar and was heavily medicated for the entire time I knew her. They took me to a psychiatist of course and medicine was prescribed but I refused it. It made me happy alright, but only on the outside. I'd be smiling and playing while still feeling like I wanted to cry. That lie was more painful to me than living the truth of the pain I was in and finding a way through it.

The world seemed so overwhelming at times I would lock myself away in a closet, often for hours on end. Alone with just my thoughts and the occasionally unwilling cat. Talk about being in a dark place in your life. My external situation matched my internal. All darkness and gloom with just a sliver of light beaming in to suggest there was hope out there somewhere after all.

Ironically, the closet that frightens most children gave me the most comfort. I felt safe there. No one to bother me. No one to introduce some new stress to my life. I could relax and try to sort through my feelings.

It became an escape and a crutch. Whenever problems arose instead of dealing with them, I hid. I could no longer function in society at that time. School was simply too much for me too handle and although I went as often as I could, that became progressively less and less. Depression was consuming me.

Finally, fed up and out of ideas my father evicted me (he might have tried listening to any of the myriad ideas the experts kept suggesting to him but my father was a stubborn and shortsighted man. It was his way or the highway). Suddenly I was forced to deal with the world. Not in the limited way of a child but in the very real way of an adult with no one to depend on but themselves. And with no closet to turn to!

What happened? I rose to the occassion, brilliantly. I found shelter, found a job, found better shelter and continued to get promotion and promotion and better accommodation. Met a sexy young slip of a girl from Trinidad and married her. Discovered Anthony Robbins and began dramatically increasing my life. I had gone from mental slavery to success!

Until my marriage collapsed, then I went right back into depression and had to work my way out. Now I had two young children depending on me and a strong desire to straighten myself out so I could save my marriage. The latter never happened but I did get myself back on my feet and proved be a productive father and eventual single parent.

I continued through life, successfully if not as passionately as before until I reached my goal of obtaining a government job, a house of my own and living a happy if limited existence. I was never fully content to remain there, knowing I could do more, should do more, was meant for greater things but although I was pumped full of success thinking, I remain lackadaisical in my approach. Lacking drive.

Why? Because I was right back in that God-damn closet!! Only it was a lot bigger now, consisting of a nice house, a comfortable civil servant job, a selection of good friends and a hobby of collecting movies or video games. Plus the occasional woman but they never seemed to last. That may not sound like a closet. Hell, that's where a lot of the world stops and settles down but it's still a comfort zone that I've grown accustomed to and don't really want to tread out of. It's safe, sound and secure and as long as I limit myself to it then the world doesn't bother me and I can be alone to sort through my feelings - which I spend far too much time doing, as well as helping others with there's.

Doing the 100 Day Challenge as really pushed me into finding this reality.

Question is now what?

In order for me to be truly successful, the 'closet' has got to go. As long as it's there, the temptation to return to it, whenever life doesn't go according to plan, will persist. It's like a trap I keep falling back into. And since I'm surrounded by people at work doing the same thing, it's easy to accept. Thank God I've surrounded my self with people who are also success driven and who won't let me sit peacefully on my laurels. Do I quit my job? Sell my house? Cut off some of my old friends? Then what?!

Then I would finally get my book published, get my website really going, buy a bigger house and maybe find a nice wife to go with it and be right back in an even bigger, roomier closet but a closet all the same! The question I'm facing right now is how to make my life comfortable without becoming trapped in a comfort zone?