April 2014
Well this is different. I find myself in a fairly unique situation where not only is my faith tested but I have to leave it bare to face the scrutiny of another man; a pastor. It is causing me quite a degree of anxiety but I'm taking comfort in God and in the Word and keep finding that cornerstone of peace.
Allow me to elaborate.
Trying to keep it brief but after a lifetime of not doing what God's called me to do, I'd decided to commit to doing HIS will, fully and completely. So to this end, day and night I'm praying 'Without reservation or retreat I commit myself to doing Your Will, to write, to act, to illustrate and to produce/publish....'
Well about three weeks ago God suddenly called me on it. I know, as I've shared here on this blog, that when one walks out their faith, absolutely - without reservation or retreat - God honours that kind of faith. And well I was talking the talk I was only partly walking the walk. I suddenly had a new thought in my mind, as is common when I hear from God. Profound knowledge just 'plunked' into my empty brain. Here it is: I was not actually committed. I had reservation - I wasn't fully doing what I was saying and I certainly had retreat. Not that I was exercising the retreat but it was there to fall back on, just in case. If I didn't see results my life would continue unchanged. My work had introduced an 'exit initiative' which basically meant, if I volunteered to leave, they'd pay me six months salary plus severance plus vacation. or about ten months pay paid out in a lump or as continuous payments.
Yes you see where this is going. No reservation, no retreat. I am either walking in faith or I'm not. I'm either committed to doing it His way or I'm not. There can't be any half measures. I can't serve both God and money (but I have no fear that money will become a dire issue. Although it may be tight before the blessings really start to flow. But the blessings will flow if I am true, if I am fully 100% committed without reservation or retreat.
So yes I submitted the form. But I didn't tell my wife.
Yeah, and now I've told her and she, justifiably so, thinks I'm crazy. And is quite understandably upset.
Did God tell me not to tell her? Not as such, no. Although the holy spirit did show me that pulling my stable job out from under her would make her extremely unbalanced while it would motivate and balance me. My understanding was that it would be better to wait. And that's what I did until I felt the spirit move me to tell her. In the flesh I am 100% convicted that I should have told my wife. In the spirit I am at peace. I feel that I did the right thing. That if I had told her she would have said absolutely no and I would have done it anyway, because God trumps my wife, and that would have lead to an even bigger falling out.
FOLLOW-UP (Jan 2015): I've left my job and am now self-employed but not yet making the kind of income I need to replace my previous income. Showing promise though. The Pastor didn't think it was wise to not tell my wife, but understood and could not fault my obedience to God. Wife was scarred by that surprise and while it's not an issue day to day, it remains a sore spot. Did I do the right thing? I don't think 'right' is an operable word here. I don't think either decision would have been 'right' - that is without negative ramifications - but remained convinced the choice I made was the better choice but I not one I'm willing ever to repeat.
