Walking in faith - Updated

The Lord has challenged me.  


I am not inclined to post this as it could be cause for much public humiliation and embarrassment but I trust in the Lord and I have faith that this will only serve to glorify Him in the end.

I've long felt a certainty in my bones that a particular woman (who will remain nameless for now so I do not cause her undo embarrassment) I was dating would be my wife.  I have 'known' it since New Years 2009 but I couldn't accept it then.  I could not see it.  At that time we'd been dating for three months but hadn't done more than kiss, in fact, I'm not even sure we'd done that.  We both felt an attraction for the other, both felt there were some compatiblities but at the same time, did not see those traits we were looking for in each other.

I was dating other women at the time, so I was not overly put off by the slow progress.  Yet when I tired of juggling and sought the Lord as to who was the 'right' one, he said the one I could least understand.  I accepted it, went out with her on that New Year's night, and starved of everything I sought I wanted and needed - ran!  

So the Lord provided exactly that which I'd asked for instead.  There was that passion and attention that I was so desperately seeking, in spades!  Yet, I knew, I knew that I knew that I knew, that it wasn't healthy.  It was two sick people feeding off each other.  I ended it quickly.

Confused I drifted for a while and the Lord used me for a time to heal others but while I provided something they needed, I was left empty myself.   I still occasionally saw the woman I had run from, and in the end, we started working on a project together and fell in love.

Now that we were in a proper relationship I told her many times over that I felt certain that we were meant to be together.  That she would marry me.  She thought I was sweet but delusional for I continued to fail to exhibit the qualities she sought.  For my part, I kept holding back, waiting for the sense of certainty, for the unbridled passion, for that sense that there's no way I could live without her but that never came.   So instead I merely enjoyed her company but remained in my comfort zone. 

As a result, we continuously drifted in and out of a relationship.  Both strangely attracted but neither satisfied with the other.  Again the Lord used me to heal, as every time I felt I'd had enough and wanted out, He would direct me to just love her unconditionally for she was worthy, and seek Love from Him instead of from her.   Reluctantly I obeyed, time after time and reluctantly, she responded every time.

However, the relationship did not honour her, me or God in the way that it should have.  It was total compromise all the way around.  We continued to see only that which was lacking and didn't invest in it fully.

27 days ago, God saw fit to separate us and we were in agreement on that.  At that time I saw it as a temporary reprieve but she saw it as the end.  Up front we compromised and agreed to meet in about three weeks time to review.

If you've read the last post, you know that God has been working extensively on me since then.  When the spirit revealed to me the truth of what I'd done, I felt a tremendous remorse.   I was the one that knew God's intent but I was not living in accordance to it, I was being lukewarm by staying and loving her (which was easy) but not stepping into the authority that God had placed on me to Lead her.   So at that point, I felt the heaviness in my spirit that when we met for our 'review' meeting that I was to propose.   That was rationally crazy of course but I had faith in the Lord, mainly due to all the wonders He was working in me at the time.

I budgeted out some money and went and found a few rings in that range.   I knew I could return the ring if she said 'no' so there was little harm in asking and being 'obedient'.  If fact there was no reason to expect any other answer than 'no', so aside from a little embarrassment I risked nothing in humouring the Lord. While no proper engagement ring is cheap, I felt she'd understand if I got her what was reasonable for my budget, especially since she didn't expect much from me at all, and would never expect an engagement ring, period.

I was comfortable with this arrangement with God.

Then God prompted me to look around some more.  I learned a lot more about diamonds, initially from Birks but Birk's rings were far outside of my budget.   However, having been shown what to look for in a quality diamond I went back to where I had planned to purchase and could clearly see the inferiority of the diamonds with the naked eye.  Instead of being something wonderful that I was slightly proud to present, they had become junk jewelry.  It just wouldn't do.  I would take no pride in it at all.

I went back to praying.   If God wanted me to spend more, he'd have to show me where the money was coming from.

One of the things I had prepared to do was to take a life development course, and beyond that training on how to be a Life Coach.  However, I was beginning to have some hesitancy around that as, like most modern day new age thinking, it taught that I could do whatever I wanted if I set my mind to it, while God was showing me a completely different way - dependence on Him and doing His will, not mine.

At this time she returned from a Christian retreat and eagerly shared details about it.  She had many breakthroughs (although if our relationship was one of them she didn't mention it).  I did some research on it and determined that this was the way God wanting me to go, not the course I'd planned.  The fact that the Christian retreat cost a fraction of the course I was about to sign up for, and was held on the exact same dates (which I had already booked off) confirmed it.   Suddenly I had a bunch of extra money and knew exactly what to do with it. 

So now I was looking at getting a much nicer diamond ring that I really could be proud of, that would really make a strong statement, and which could still easily be returned.

I had grown and became comfortable with God's new plan.

Then he had me look around some more.  On Friday I was off work so I had some time to shop, I learned even more, and found a small independent shop that took as much care to find exceptional diamonds as Birks but without Birk's large overhead.   Okay cool, the price even matched that which the spirit had given me.  After more consideration and prayer I decided to go with them - until I learned there was no returning the ring. !! I ran back to Birks.  But Birks ring was far inferior.  Nor would they meet the price the spirit had given.  I was confused.   Shelling out that kind of cash, with no fallback, no plan B, for a woman who was hardly even talking to me and was determined she wanted out of a relationship with me, was nothing short of insane.

I prayed hard.  For this to pay off, I'd need a miracle, I needed the confidence God was really, really prepared to deliver one.  God dropped my own words, plus some scripture, into my head; 'Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.'   If I wanted God to commit, then He wanted me to commit.  Not just humour Him.  To commit, fully, totally, absolutely, without doubt or wavering.   As I'd written, if I was prepared to give it my all, to do whatever it took, then He was prepared to act.

But was I willing?  It was craziness.  But I shut off the mind and listened to the heart and soul.  I dug deep.  Did I really, really, really want to be married to her for the rest of my life?  Was I willing to do whatever it took to make it work? (Which meant living a very different life than I had)  Was I willing to really truly Love and Honour her committing to live outside of my comfort zone, for good?  Was I ready to accept the possibility of more kids?  Or having to support her and possibly a whole family (further outside of my current comfort zone)?  Or being a loving, supportive father to her son as well as my own and to our own?   Was she really a great match for me?  Was I willing to forgo all other women, forever? Was I willing to put it all out on the line, with absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing at all to go on, but faith?   Faith that God would somehow get her to agree. Faith that somehow God would provide a way.

You know my answer. 

I wouldn't be writing this now if I hadn't asked.  

The question that you are left wondering is did she miraculously say 'yes' or am I merely a delusional ranting, fool, believing in some fairy tale God that wasted a whole lot of money for nothing.  Did providence move too?

At this moment.  I too am left wondering that, while I wait for her ultimate answer.  As I said, this could prove embarrassing...    But I remain strong in my faith.

We all both know soon enough.  Whatever the outcome, I will post it here, pride be damn or God be glorified. Amen.


UPDATE:  PRAISE JESUS!  SHE SAID YES!   Totally unexpectedly, she met with someone who's insight she really respects, and before she even mention the engagement that person said she just felt in her spirit I was the one and that it was time for her to commit.  So she did.
Incredible.  I'm crying, it's ridiculous, but so wondrous to see the Lord in action.  Providence moved.  It's true. It works.  


And now, I know the Lord has such a grand vision for me, one I never felt adequate for.  I still don't but that's irrelevant, the Lord's Will, will be done.  I commit to fulfilling it, completely.