One of the most depressing but at the same time, relevant bits of information that the Winslow Profile Analysis revealed about myself is that I do not seek outside recgonition.
Some of you may say 'well, what's so bad about that?' In a way it's good that I'm not doing things for praise or to get attention, but the problem is, this is systematic of a broader characteristic: I don't care about other people or to fit into 'society'. Which is not to say I don't care about people at all. I do! But I am happy living my life and letting other's live their's and not feeling like they need to overlap.
I put this to God, as to why, and the answer I got was a realization that, as a kid I was a bit of a social misfit. This is partly because of my parents (being too poor to dress me properly and having some outdated and detestable standards of cleanliness) and partly my own lack of social networking skills. Despite efforts at the time, I was usually the odd kid out. The one no one wanted on their team (would have helped if my parents taught me even the basics of sports), the one that didn't fit into the school's social groups, etc. Worse was the fact that no matter what I did I never felt that I could win my father's approval.
So in time, I stopped looking for any gratification from being with others, or in trying to please others. I did my own things, had fun and 'didn't need anyone'. I'm not a total social bore. I'm good company at a party and will chat with anyone, but I don't really care if that person likes me or not. I'm not looking for any social acceptance beyond being socially acceptable. I don't really care about that person at the party at all. I will likely forget everything they told me, including their name, within a couple hours. That's a problem. You don't build networks that way. Why would anyone care to help me, in any way, if I don't display a sincere appreciation for who they are (prior to needing something)?
It's always been easier for me to show compassion and a desire to help total strangers - in a class I'm teaching for example, or the namelesss and faceless readers of my blog, than to the aquaintences in my social circles. To lessening degrees this goes to my friends (I'm not aware of what's happening in their lives mostly), my children and even my love interest (I'll know what's going on, but may not really 'care'. 'She's a big girl, I'm sure she can handle her issues,' is a typical thought.)
The more I learn to open up and show genuine compassion to others, and interest in others, the more I learn to love those around me, the more love will be poured back into my life. There's a balance there of course, I don't want to get wrapped up in people's drama's, but that doesn't mean I can't become cognizent enough to be aware of their issues and offer a word of advice, encouragement or enlightenment. Or even just to empathize with them and give them a hug. That doesn't sound like a lot to ask, but from where I'm standing now, even that seems like quite the leap.
Leaping...
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