As this is an important step and one you may benefit from as well, I will step you through the process I took and explain how I got to my current list of values.
First I just wrote out all those values that are important to me. I did this based on what currently drives me, my current thoughts, actions and beliefs. So this list reflected those values that I currently respond to and work towards.
I then took the time to put them in priority from most important to least. This can be a difficult process as often it's hard to choose one over the other, but I merely took them, one by one and gave myself an either/or choice between the one I was working on and every other value on the list. If I could only have one, which would I choose? Which has won out in the past? As long as the one I was working with won out, I stuck with it, if another won out, I'd continue down the list with it instead. I continued this for each.
I was quite surprised by how some ranked. For example, my top value was honesty/integrity. To be ranked number one meant I'd rather have people think I'm honest then love me, and I'd rather be honest than loving and responsible. Did this cause me pain? You bet!! Brutal and often unnecessary honesty caused a lot of unneeded tension in my relationships. Obviously, I'm not promoting dishonesty, but this is fear-based honesty. Some part of my subconscious deemed it necessary to tell the truth, almost at all costs, to avoid pain, but really this often created pain that simply didn't need to exist. Ironically, because of my major moving-away from values (pain) was 'people thinking I lacked integrity' and pain trumps pleasure, I would occasionally omit the truth, when, if by not doing so, would cause them to question my integrity. If asked, I'd always admit the truth (as blatant lying would call my integrity into question even internally) but this is still self-defeating. Now you might think that's normal behaviour but I was so tied up with maintaining integrity that I'd be hiding the truth, not because it might hurt someone, or because I had done something wrong, in most cases I had done nothing wrong at all, but the mere thought that what I had done could be misconstrued would cause me to want to hide it, then when questioned, admit it (even if it wasn't a loving or responsible thing to do), which just caused hurt or raised suspicion that I must be hiding something. Talk about ineffective values alignment.
Next, I listed those things I moved away from. Those things which drove me to take action to avoid them. I then put them in order as well.
So my initial list - showing what was driving me to act to gain pleasure or avoid pain came out as follows:
Towards Values Away Values
Honesty / Integrity Perceived lack of integrity
Love Hatred
Responsibility Humiliation
Family Anger
Spirituality/God Depression
Learning & Growing Loneliness
Health Boredom
Respect Uncertainty
Fun/Adventure
Creativity/Ingenuity
Contribution
Peace of mind
Intelligence
Financial diligence
Generousity
Security
Freedom
This is a very useful exercise to understand what's currently driving me and shaping my life but at this point it's not very effective for moving forward. In the past I'd have taken the extra step of rearrange them into a more logical and productive order but that's about it. And then I'd normally forget about them. Why wouldn't I? They were the values I'd been living everyday.
But this time, following Anthony Robbin's direction (in his book Awaken the Giant Within), I took it further. I laid out what were the characteristics of the person who I aspired to become. Then I asked, to become this person, are there other values, I currently don't have that I needed to adopt. There sure was!! One that dramatically stuck out was that I wanted to be successful (financial abundance, fame, recognition, etc) yet nothing in my current values aspired to that. There were several others as well.
Then I looked at the expanded list and for each asked, 'If this necessary? What does it cost me to have this value? To have it here on this list?' I removed a couple and reordered them in the order that would be required to most effectively drive me to become the person I had just described wanting to be.
In doing so I really challenged myself on certain ones. Most notably, moving Spirituality and God Faring to number one. Although I'm a little ashamed to admit it, there was a lot of resistance to this move. However, after some debate it was very clear the pros of that move far outweighed the perceived negatives which really were all baseless fears, like I would lose my freedom, that I wouldn't have any fun, that I'd become a religious stick-in-the-mud. Even as I moved through today, it became clear, that this was the right choice though. Placing it as number one also allowed me to drop several other values, such as integrity and responsibility as leaving a life in accordance to God would necessitate those traits anyway.
I did the same for the 'moving away from list' taken out some things which, while unpleasant, shouldn't be discouraging me from taking appropriate action.
Lastly I wrote out what each of those values meant to me. This was more productive than I initially thought it'd be, as it really helped to clarify what each meant and promoted me to merge/eliminate and even add some values to the list as the bigger picture of what they stood for, individually and collectively became clear.
What follows is that detailed list of my new values. I was initially hesitant to put that here but what a better way to create leverage than to publicly declare what they are so people can hold me accountable to them?
Spiritual/God Faring – I seek both constant communion with my Higher Source (God) and to live in obedience to God’s will. Drawing on God for a source of greater wisdom, greater strength, greater understanding and grace. To read the bible (and other holy works) through to gain a greater understanding of God’s will.
Health / Vitality – To ensure my own health and vitality (and that of those around me) to enable me to achieve at the highest levels. To exercise, eat right (nutritionally, sufficiently), be energetic (get enough sleep, vitamins), look after my well-being (be proactive in defending against illness, seek help and advice when needed).
Lead / Passionate – To not wait for others, but to take the initiative and act when need arises, opportunity presents itself or as prompted by God. To make decisions based on what’s best for me and others. To really believe in myself, my God and my goals, passionately with joy and vigor. To consider the bigger picture, to choose that which is best for all, to consider how my decisions and actions may affect others. To do that which has the bigger long term gain or benefit. To be aware of what other’s may hope to gain or lose.
Love / Compassion / Social – To love all and be compassionate. To place a high value on love, making room for it in my life and giving freely of love. To show genuine compassion and interest for others, including strangers and those who might be considered enemies. To take an active interest in people and learn from them what I can. To pour into others and be someone everyone would be happy to call ‘friend’. For people are my second greatest resource (after God), and a seed planted here will reap me thirty, sixty a hundred times over.
Family – My family is my responsibility and I always look to provide for them, to help them to grow and develop and to provide a loving, nurturing environment. To help my (grand)children (and nieces and nephews) succeed in life and to be a wonderful, giving, caring and fitting partner to my wife.
Literate – To use the gifts God’s given me to teach, enlighten and entertain as many as I can through writing, public speaking, creative initiative and use of various media to transmit a heart warming mission of hope, faith and success. To touch people’s hearts, minds and souls with stories that provide a welcome distraction from their realities and provide them with the profound knowledge to improve their realities.
Fun / Adventure – To enjoy the hell out of life! To look for ways to sprinkle joy in all I do. To be entertaining and fun to be around. To take vacations and travel, exploring new things and activities. To partake of all that life has to offer (without killing or seriously injuring myself or others). To be daring and adventurous, not afraid to take chances (smart ones). To be bold but always with a smile and twinkle in my eye. If life is a game, play to win, but also enjoy the game and help others to win too.
Achievement / Status – To always challenge myself to do more, to live a life that’s happy, healthy, wealthy and wise. To be the living embodiment of success. Fit, healthy body, financial prosperity, business acumen and development (of my creative ventures), to be known and respected for my works, to be able to reach more people because of my wealth and fame, to dress for success (look sharp), to own nice things (house, cars, toys, travel), have a dynamic and passionate love life and wonderful family life. To be wise and learned. To be a bright light in the world. To show down-to-earth compassion and live a life of contribution. To be an example for others. Not to try to be superhuman nor perfect but to live joyeously at the highest level by moving boldly, confidently, and in alignment to God and my values.
Personal Development – To always be looking to expand myself, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, through education, exercise (not just physical) and coaching. To always be learning and sharing. To always keeping myself engaged and challenged. To not settle but have fun expanding myself, my knowledge and my spirituality. To keep an open mind to new concepts. To remain current with the times, using what the world offers to reach and impact the most people, especially the young.
Contribution – Although this is written in throughout my values, to always be looking for ways to give back to the world. To leave this world better than I found it. To help others. To teach, enlighten and entertain. To use my time, money, fame and literary gifts to help the less fortunate. To look for ways to leave a lasting legacy, with gifts that keep on giving.
Next on my to-do list: Do the Canfield Coaching module on goal setting (now based on my new values)
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