Canfield Coaching - Eureka...?

Last night was my second coaching call (that is, them calling me), and right off I started with a pointed question.

"I want to get myself to a point where I'm constantly living in a state of fear, that is, feeling scared because I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but how do I live in constant anxiety without regressing to old behaviours to avoid feeling that?"

After clarifying what I was asking my coach asked me what the difference between pro-active and re-active people are.  I gave him a dictionary correct answer but not what he was looking for.

"Proactive people work to resolve issues based on their values dictate.  Reactive people work to resolve issues based on what they are feeling."

That had to sink into my head but as we continued to talk it gradually made more and more sense to me.   Every other question I had, - "How to be more proactive, How to take more control, How to remain fix on my decisions and not change to suit other people, How to..." every one lead me back to values.  

If I clearly know my values, and live by them.  If my values define who I am, then all my decisions are based on those values.  Living accordingly, I would naturally be pro-active, I would naturally be taking more control, I would naturally remain consistant, because my values wouldn't change (maybe year to year but not day to day).    I realized all my decisions and actions were indeed based on what I was feeling, or trying to avoid feeling.   Which is why I sometimes procrastinated, often deferred to what others wanted (so they'd be happy and that would make me happy) and often moving from my position as those 'others' shifted in their desires and needs.   Everything was feelings based, on mine or others and feelings are no bases for firm decisions.

More-over, I USED to live exactly like that, values-driven.  At that time I was at my peak performance.  Turning accounts around from losing money to being the most profitable in Ontario, being a top sales rep - so good, the entire company mirrored my approach, motivating staff to peak performance, taking bold steps - even when it scared the crap out of me to do so, renovating my home, enjoying a great family life, and living very happily, with all the world of possibilities before me.  

So what happened?  My wife left, blaming my writing, my taking time for the kids and working late, etc., saying she felt neglected.    In my mind, living by my values caused the greatest pain and consequaint meltdown that I'd ever experienced.   Looking back now, I clearly see that was a false association.  While I had a pollyanna view of the marriage then, it was troubled from the get go.  We married very young, both came from poor childhoods and neither one of us was emotionally mature or stable.  She constantly sought joy of confirmation from outside sources, and with me doing so well, I depended on her as my source of joy less and less, which made her feel threatened and insecure.  There were other contributing factors as well.  

Did living by my values cause my marriage to end?  No.  Did it contribute?  In a way, it spend up it's downfall, but it would have fallen apart sooner or later anyway.   I was merely too blind to see it then.

However, because of that association, I'm assuming here, I never really lived a values-based life again.  I did do the values exercises from time to time, but always did it and put it aside and never really embraced it as I once had.  I never gave it much thought really.   Until now.

For almost 20 years I've wondered what I was doing then, to achieve the outstanding results I was getting, that I'm not doing now.   For the first time I have an answer that really fits.  

Once again I'm doing a values exercise, to determine, what now, are my top values and in what order, and what those values mean, specifically for me.   Once again I'm going to adhere to living by those values in everything I do.  All the goals I set, actions I take and thoughts I think must be in alignment with them.  My values define who I am.   With them clearly defined, then I can act in accordance.  Surely, definitely, proactively and acheive the results I've been looking for, for so long, once again.    I trust.