1 Days to go before coaching starts.
Orientation today. Quick, painless and mostly fruitless. Except I asked about the issue with the Winslow assessment and was referred to leave a message for my coach, which I had, but since that can take three days for him to get back to me, I figured I'd better just call the coaching hotline, talk to any coach and see if I can get it resolved.
So I did and guess what? I got my coach. Great. Had a nice chat with him, he was doubtful about them changing the Winslow, but referred me to the Coaching Manager, so I call the general help line to get them the CM. Although I never spoke to them direct, they approved the request. Great.
So it's happening. And I'm ready. My girlfriend left because she got scared, because I got scared, and when I get scared, I tend to back away, pretend I don't care. Don't care about our relationship that much, don't care about life, or success, just happy playing on my Wii. Yeah, real simple joy. Don't need anyone. Yeah, right. I do care. I care about her very much. It hurt me bad. That's why I needed to redo my assessment. As much as I might try to lie to myself otherwise. It hurt me real bad.
Specifically, she was scared because she saw patterns in me that I know have always been a concern to her and she finally concluded that they would not change. She decided that things were not going to work because she could not trust me to lead the relationship; did not think that I would be a good role model/father to her son; that I lack the confidence she's looking for in a man; that I was not spiritually mature enough to challenge her and pour into her life as she did for mine ; and because I was selfish.
Sad thing is, I cannot disagree with her. Not as I am today. Nor I have shown her any signs of growth for her to hold onto, and believe in. I cannot blame her for giving up on me.
But I'm not giving up on myself. I'm dedicated to this. I'm doing it. I'm changing my life and turning myself into the man we both want me to be. Living the life I know I'm capable of. Whatever it takes. It's all or nothing here. If I can't do it now, then I'm just going to have to accept being an insignificant cog in the government wheel, do my time, be with some woman who isn't in any way inspiring, get my pension and just shut the fuck up for the rest of my miserable life. But I can't do that. I can't accept that life. That's not me. That's not what God planned for me. I'm better than that. And so are you.
I'm doing this for every man and woman out there who's just like me. Always dreaming of more but never quite finding it. Always looking for the answer, for 'The Secret', any secret, to suddenly turn their life around and put the last piece in place so they can finally start living. Living joyfully. I'm doing this for my all my friends who are in the boat. I doing this for my kids, so they can see that if I can do it, so can they. I'm doing it for my (ex)girlfriend, because she wants to believe too. I'm doing it for me and I'm doing it for you.
If you are reading this right now, then you probably already know who I am, because I've already made it, and you heard I made it and left this journal of how I made it just for you. This is where my story starts to get interesting, because it's not what you know, it's how you apply what you know. I realize now, that studying all this from a book is much like learning French from a book. You can study for years and have a great understanding of how to do it, but if you only ever practice at home, you're still going to suck at it. If you really want to speak French, goto Paris or Montreal or better yet, into the countryside of France or Quebec where they speak no English and you have no choice but to apply everything you know, and learn how to do it properly, pronounce properly, use proper grammar, tense, verse, slang, etc. Because until you're actually living it, you are just don't know it. So this is me, mister self-taught master of success principals going out to live it. And show it can be done. I don't expect it to be easy. I don't care.
It's now or nothing. I'm jumping off the precipice and trusting God that I've learned how to fly.
I'm sure there's going to be struggles and drama. Should make for a good book one day, but this journal here, this is the raw stuff. The stuff I'm writing in the moment as it happens. Good, bad. Read on. Enjoy. Feel my pain and my triumphs. And know this; If I can make it, then so can you. So can you.
Let me show you how.
Preston Squire January 3, 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment