Self-therapy

I'm going to ask a question and then I'm going to attempt to answer it here.

All my life, since I was a child, I felt a calling to write. Multiple times I have strongly been convicted by God to write.   And yet even though I enjoy it, even though my peers in the writing community tell me I'm talented, I continuously procrastinate when it comes to writing.  Why?

I'd like to put 'I don't know' and this is my round about way of doing that despite it totally not being an acceptable answer.

In truth, I do know.  I MUST know.  After all, am I not the master of my own ship?  Nothing happens without my giving the orders.   Although my brain likes to do it's own thing subconsciously, in must still bow down to my conscious commands.  And even conscious commands made consistently become ingrained in the subconscious like grooves in a vinyl record.  So the fault is mine.

And in truth I think... no I know... I've constantly set such lofty goals and expectations for myself that it seems doomed to failure from the start.   It's not enough to get a book published but even that would be a huge leap from where I am really, but I have set an expectation of being one of the world's greatest authors.  One who reaches millions in dozens of languages and makes a difference in people's lives for generations like Shakespeare, Shaw, Dickens and Twain.     I'm 45 or will be shortly.  45 and no books.  Some written work from the fits and starts I've had over the years but no cohesive long term effort.  And I'm comparing myself to Shakespeare, Shaw, Dickens and Twain?   I am mad.  Delusional.

There is an argument to be made that it's possible.  And yes possible.  But so is winning the grand prize in the lottery yet I'm not buying tickets every week because the odds stink.  If I face 'reality' as such as common sense would dictate.   I could probably get a book published, if I worked on it long enough.  Keep writing until one finally got published, like Stephen King who had written several books before his first was published 'Carrie'.   The others were later published as the 'Bachman books'.   Point is, he was a failure as a commercial writer for years but stuck to it until he simply couldn't anymore and then the break came.

So yes, it's possible.  And I feel deeply convicted, more than possible, that it WILL happen IF I'm that committed.  Am I afraid of failure?   I don't think so, I've been rejected many times and failure really carries no risk.   I can be rejected forever and no one else needs to even know.   It's kinda safe actually.
Am I afraid of success?   Success would mean a change in my life for sure.   More money, persumably, more fame - but I love fame.  Stick me on a stage and I chew scenery like no-ones business.  I love to speak in front of people.   No, I have no issues with fame.

Is it a fear of submission/trust?  I'm hard pressed to say yes to this either.  I've learned to be very submissive to God and I trust him without hesitation in many areas of my life.  Even when it defies common sense.  Because it's Uncommon sense!  And because it's served me very very well to listen to God.  He knows of what He speaks even when it seems ridiculous to me.

Lead, Love and Literate.  Those are the first 'Words' if you will I ever heard from God.   One at a time over the course of several weeks.   Just those three.   Lead - everyone always.  Be a leader.  And I'm a good leader, perhaps a great one.  I managed for years, was very successful and my staff loved me.  Yet in my day to day life, I shirk away from leading.  Preferring to allows others to do it.    Love is much the same.  I certainly have the capacity to be very loving but mostly I'm introverted.   And we've discussed Literating (writing) already.    Three things I'm particularly good at.  Three things I've strong felt God was compelling me to master and embody and three things that I avoid like they were sour grapes.  Not that I never do them, but I'm never inclined to do them.

Because what I'm really afraid of, is being someone great.   Which seems ridiculous on many levels.  Who am I to even think I'll be great?  And what's wrong with being great?  To the former: I am Preston Squire.  To the latter - With Greatness comes great responsibility.   If I'm a great leader, people will follow and I might lead them to ruin.   Happens even to the best at times.   If I'm loving, I could break people's hearts.  And if I'm a writer, I could ultimately disappoint or fill your heads with my idiocy or something.  Gosh, I don't even know.

But yes, that feels right.  Afraid to be great.  I don't want to let me light shine, for fear everyone will come running to see it, and then realize it's just little inadequate me, no one truly special.  But who is? Really?  We make people special - the Shakespeares, Shaws, Dickens, Twains of the world in whatever field.  We lift them up for their achievements.  And sure, they did indeed made very notable achievements.  But are they themselves, as a human being, great?  No, i dare say a close look at anyone's life will reveal their flaws.  But that's the funny thing isn't it?   They could be amoungst the most flawed people, but no one really remembers them for that.  We remember them for what they were bold enough, to work on long enough to create.  That's what we remember.  Not Shakespeare the man, only Shakespeare the playwright, Edison the inventor, Ford the auto-maker, Galileo the astronomer, etc., etc..   Heck if we knew them in person we might not even like them, although I'm sure they were all fine fellows.  But they weren't afraid to simply be their flawed selves.   Like I am.  Flawed.  Tragically flawed.

And that's a beautiful thing.   Who doesn't like to see the rut of the pack thrive in spite of adversity?  Yes, being a flawed person, who dares to achieve anyway, well, that's an inspiring thing.  Which makes me suddenly feel a whole lot better about being me and Leading, Loving and Literating.  Thank God.