I'm struggling. Struggling to really find that burning passion within. Struggling to define what I really want to do and who I really want to be. Funny, I thought I had this all figured out.
Last 100 Day Challenge I think, well, I know, I got too ambitious and tried to do too many different things and find success on too many different levels. I spread myself too thin and while I accomplished a lot I didn't reach many of the goals I had set. Of course, some weren't really realistic.
What I did have then that I'm really struggling with now is gusto. I was motivated. I was working hard on doing so many things simulataneously. Now I have given myself an easier plate to carry but cannot seem to build up that level of excitement again.
There are some contributing factors - While I am building a relationship with an outstanding woman, it's going very slowly (she's not even in the country at the moment, she's on a 17 day vacation in India) and it's hard to be really excited when you're constantly slamming on the brakes to make sure you don't pass the target.
My last relationship in comparison was very exciting, like a fairy tale at the beginning, almost unreal in quality, very passionate but in the end, it didn't last did it? This time it's completely different as this woman is determined to take her time and ensure I'm the quality of man she wants before really allowing her passions to flow. It's a good idea, and I certainly can't fault her, especially given how her last relationship went, but patience has never been my strong suit. I'm feeling very restrained but hopefully, a more restrained and logical approach will result in a better long term success. But it's dulling my enthusiasm at the moment.
Finances are also bothersome. I have a plan for paying down my debt but here's life throwing in curve balls which will increase my debt by more than I was even hoping to pay it down by. It's unavoidable unfortunately and if I want to still get my debt load paid off by 1/3 I'm going to have to really make some deep painful cuts or somehow increase my income in short order.
My website ambitious are another factor - I've felt very torn on how to progress, flip flopping from a full on website like I had originally planned to just a blog as I originally (and still) had to something inbetween.
The problem is doing the site I wanted will simply become a full time job, several in fact, without pay, at least without adequate pay for an extended duration. Which would be okay, if I didn't have a full time job, a budding relationship and a writing career I want to pursue.
I originally envisioned making the website highly profitable within 3 months and quitting my job. But then 'reality' came crashing down on me and it became apparent that, barring devine insight, through traditional methods, it would take a year, or more, to get the site to a level were I could expect to modestly live off the proceeds. A year of full time work on top of my full time job, writing, relationships and other life demands. Although I'm loathe to leave my concept, that is a price I'm not willing to bare. It would cause too much imbalance in my life and suck the joy out of it. But to just maintain it as an non-profit(able) blog is equally distasteful.
Currently, I'm at the stage of putting it on hold, just blogging for now, until my writing career takes off, allow me to quit my government job, and have more time to invest in building a website. But I'm not happy.
Which is the point. Goals are suppose to make me happy and currently, they are not. In other areas things are going better, I'm still hitting the gym with good results for instance and an agent is currently reviewing my book but it's hard to not allow these three areas of discontent affect me in other areas especially when those other areas are just keep writing, keep working out and not terribly exciting until I actually get a contract signed for my book.
Trick is to keep focusing on what I want but with my website in particular, I just don't know what that is anymore.
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