It's 1:15am on Christmas day.
My life is a mess. I'm just drifting along. Occasionally getting a bit of fire in my belly but mostly just drifting. Idly letting life pass me by while I medicate myself out of this reality with whatever distraction I can find to fill my time. I don't have a plan. I don't have clear set goals. I do have a vision of who I want to be, but mostly all I do is try to distract myself away from the current reality. A reality that does not match my vision.
Dating my girlfriend is a painful blessing. Everytime I'm with her, I'm forced to look at myself through her eyes, and I find myself wanting. I'm just wallowing in my shit. Can't stand to even look at myself in the mirror. Which is good, because if I'm going to make any kind of change, I need to stop accepting the status quo.
Let me tell you, on one hand the status quo is fine, it's nice. Nice. Nice is a nice word for it. Nice. Not exciting. Not particularly interesting. Nothing to write home about. But it's nice. Pleasant. Mostly. Nice. God damn, I fucking hate that word. Used to be how I described everything. 'Oh that's nice.' 'The dress is nice.' 'What a nice person.' Nice, always nice. And that's how people used to always describe me, 'Nice.'
Nice is freaking devoid of any flavour. It's more vanilla than vanilla. It's sterile. Nice is purgatory. It's the place we goto to get out of Hell but are too afraid or too lazy to work our way to Heaven.
The great thing about having a 'nice' life is if it all goes to hell, I didn't fall very far. But that's as pathetic as can be. lol. It's like I've repeatedly said; Despite what 'the Secret' says, you will not attract the life you want, you will only attract the minimum standard you are willing to accept. And clearly my standard, is, or at least, up until now, has been 'nice.' I don't want nice. Nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I want a Rich life. Rich in friends, rich in health, rich in wisdom, rich in favour, rich in experiences, rich in romance and yes, although it pains me a little to say it, rich in money. Why does that pain me? Damned if I know. Hopefully my life coach will shed some light on that one.
Okay, clearly this isn't a Merry cheery Christmas message. You are probably wondering what went wrong with my Christmas that I'm being so hard on myself. Nothing, nothing really. Yesterday could have gone a little better, well, I guess which proper planning, a lot better, but as it was it was certainly 'nice' enough. And today will be, well, nice too. If I let it. I don't think I want to let it be 'nice' though. 'Nice', ack. Such a low standard. I hate it.
I know, I know, what you focus on you attract, I don't want to attract more of the same. I definitely don't want another Christmas like this. Nice. I want it to be Rich!! Lots of friends and family. Lots of laughs and joy. Lots of presents (without any thought of lack). Lots of music and fellowship. In a nice big house, large enough to hoist all my friends and family.
Yeah, this Christmas sucks ass!! Nice sucks ass!! That's a technical tech; ass suckaledge. I should not be here, in my apartment, alone, on Christmas early morning. I should be with my kids and my woman, asleep. But poor planning - from drifting - has lead me here by my own devices, and I go through it as if it's the world's fault somehow. It's not of course, and I don't go blaming the world. I just don't normally wear the blame either. But I created this reality and it's sub par. Sub par. It's not good enough
For the record, I was with my girlfriend and her son last night. Made them a nice dinner - lamb. Have my kids later today, seeing my brother and niece and nephew, spending the morning with her again before getting my own kids, then seeing my brother and his family, before coming back home to eat a Christmas dinner and then joining my girlfriend once again at her brother's for another Christmas dinner/party, at least for a while. It's not bad, not at all, it's really quite nice. But it's sure as hell far from great, and that, great, has to be the standard.
Let's see what I can do to make this day be Great!
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